Remember when I promised to present a unique, polished persona online?
No? Me neither. Welcome back to another musing, everyone. I truly hope your first week of Daylight Savings time has been good. Let me tell you, mine sucked.
I usually aim to write with impact, to bring new perspectives, but I also aim to be myself. And sometimes, like this week, I’m an emotional mess who has had a terrible week and is only hanging on by threads. And part of being truthful to all of you is acknowledging that it isn’t always pretty. I’ve broken down sobbing several times, feeling like my heart was breaking while I struggled to pretend to be okay for everyone else. The pup has been sick, but he will be okay. I’ve been a wreck, but I too, will be okay.
The truth of it all is this: when you’re an introvert, your circle is small. So, when one person has to take a step back, deal with personal stuff, you have to be strong for them, and for yourself. I have always believed in not having fake friends; the people in my life either belong there or they don’t. That’s just how my relationships have been and how I prefer them. But the downside is this: if you see someone in your circle struggling and you can’t physically do anything to help, you FEEL the pain. I hurt every day knowing that people in my circle aren’t all okay. I hurt knowing that I’m just one person and I can’t be there for everyone, sometimes including my own dog.
I’ve learned so much about myself this week, I can promise you that. I’m resilient, my faith in my people is stronger than ever, and finally, it’s okay to own your feelings and sob. It’s okay to hurt for the people you love the most, to shake and gasp for breath while you kneel on the floor and pray to a god you’re not sure you even believe in just to help everyone get through this. It’s okay to lay down and not feel like getting up. But you have to keep moving. You must keep putting one foot in front of the other. You must keep fighting everyday not just for you, but for the strength you lend to others that then is returned to YOU by the others who watch you fall apart. I can’t even tell you how many times I washed dishes and let tears run, feeling my body shake and the feelings come bubbling to the surface. I laugh as I write this, but I definitely lowered the shade that’s over my kitchen sink and sobbed until I was lightheaded, my hands covered in soapy water.
But as I fell apart every day this week, I got back up. For me, for the people that need me. I wasn’t happy, but I made sure I kept moving. I’m still not happy. But I’m writing this to remind myself that I can do this. I can do this for me and for my circle. And yes future me, you’ll still cry. You might cry after you finish posting this. But what matters is that you own your feelings, and you keep moving forward. Your heart might feel like you might not be able to take any more pain, but you will make it through. You’ll feel like a superhero one moment, and like a failure the next. All I can promise is that it’s worth it. Everything you’re going through is worth it. So, get your angry girl music or your cry-until-you-break music, and push forward.
I love you.