Hello all you lovely humans. Welcome to Day 5 of the #UltimateBlogChallenge, wherein I am equally exhausted and equally stressed. This post is not going to be its normal cheerful one, but a check in to how I’m doing and hopefully getting to hear how you are.
It’s become increasingly difficult to avoid discussion of Covid-19 as news gets progressively worse. While I know some one who knows a few people fighting for their lives in the ICU, another acquaintance is posting on Facebook hoping for a miracle that their loved one survives. And here I am, sitting and watching it all happen, and enduring when it feels like the exact last thing I want to be doing.
A few weeks ago, I went to bed not feeling too hot. My head hurt, my jaw felt tense, flares of pain were going through my head. I felt like absolute crap, with what I thought was a fever. Immediately, the anxiety set in. Did I have Covid-19? Was I hallucinating the fever? Worst of all, how the hell can I talk to anyone when I feel like moving any muscle in my body was like fire.
I was able to get a telephone appointment the next day, and although I displayed signs of a sinus infection, the doctor over the line wasn’t 100 percent convinced since she couldn’t see my ears. I got a slew of medication to deal with it, and that’s how I’ve been. Dealing. Existing. But still mildly hurting. I am simply just tired. My ears and head hurt often, and I find myself sleeping to get away from it for a little. It keeps me up at night, as do the worries that I will somehow catch Covid-19, (knowing my luck), and accompanied by the aching loneliness sheltering in place has caused.
As much as I enjoy my solitude and quiet, the feeling isn’t exactly heavenly. I struggle to maintain a schedule, some normalcy, but it just isn’t capable when everything you used to do isn’t available right now. And trust me… I know it’s for my own good and the good of others. But you get tired of those same four walls, of your guide getting into trouble because it is the literal only thing he can do. The three closest people to me that isn’t directly family are all having to handle it the best they can, and I still worry. One is immunocompromised, another lives in Washington State, and another is on a mountain, where yes, people still are affected. It’s exhausting. I worry about them the way I worry about myself, because everything that seems to happen, just genuinely gets worse, and I can’t help in any way, shape or form.
Constantly pretending that I’m doing just fine in this shelter in place is asking for me to lie. Quite frankly, I am not okay. I am struggling to navigate these uncertain times, of wondering if this might be a sign of Covid-19 or if, somehow, I can limit the news I get about it. The answer? No. Because we’re all afraid and have absolutely no idea how to move forward.
I sincerely hope everyone is doing well. Let me know what I can do, how I can help. Let me know if you’re not okay, because it’s okay not to be okay. Know you’re not alone, even though it sincerely feels like solitary confinement at times. I hope to return tomorrow with more positiveness and less anxiety, but if you read this, I appreciate you. Stay safe.